What are you hiding? Why are you hiding it?
I have been asking myself these questions at the same time I have been enjoying the HBO series Heated Rivalry, developed by Jacob Tierney. This series is based on a book series by Rachel Reid entitled Game Changer. Reid creates a hockey universe in which the main characters are hiding their sexuality from the world because they don’t believe they will be accepted in the masculine and, feared, homophobic culture.
If HBO shows had ratings, Heated Rivalry would be rated “R” for language and sexually explicit scenes. I rate it “R” for romance! I have been reading romance novels for 45 years. The first was actually Ice Castles by Lenore Fleischer which was made into a feature film. It follows the love of a male hockey player and a female ice skater. I guess I have come full circle, yet moved fully into the 21st century.
Heated Rivalry is very poignant and honest about what it takes for the characters to go about their lives with the secret of who they truly are firmly in place. Some might say that the little white lies they tell others don’t really matter because it is their own business and no one is being hurt. But like most secrets, the ones who are being harmed the most are themselves.
One character expresses the exhaustion and loneliness that he feels trying to keep his secret.
As fascinated as I am with the series, I had to ask myself for the mirror for me. I heard to clear on the smaller issues of gender and sexual identity and any judgement I have for those issues from across the millennia that I have been in human form. Believe me, some would not consider that a small issue, even I don’t sometimes because of clearing the victim, rescuer and persecutor energies that I have dealt with across the ages. But even these issues are small to the real mirror that I am facing.
The mirror of not wanting to admit to others and to myself that I am truly Source.
Oh, I play around the edges of the mirror. As an example, I was leading a WE Dance group a month ago. At the end of each session, we gather to share any of our experiences with the other participants. As the facilitator, I set the energy by saying that we can keep our silence, we can share anything in confidence and if we want, we can share our preferred pronouns.
As the facilitator, I was the last to share. I told them my name, that I use She/Her and Source as my pronouns. We all giggled a little at me adding that I identify as Source. But what would happen if I said that every time? That I AM SOURCE. The first time we giggled. Would it become pretentious or tiresome if I did it again? I am not sure. Whenever the facilitator ends the music portion of the dance, we close with some encouraging or poignant words. After that, I always close the way I close every Standing in the Light® session and healing circle. “And may you know yourself as Source, Namaste.” The group is used to me being who I am enough to say that as a closing. So why am I fearful of going FULL SOURCE on them? I guess I have more to clear and higher frequencies to integrate.
Mind you, it is possible that on any given day, it isn’t the highest plan to announce myself as Source to the group. But assuming it is never the highest plan, is also not being in 100% alignment with who I am. Of course, if I am willing to admit it to myself, to experience myself as Source in every moment, then I probably don’t need to announce it to everyone else. Again, the one I am harming the most by hiding who I AM, is me.
Let’s ask the questions again. What are you hiding? Why are you hiding it? May you have the courage of your convictions to find out.
May you know yourself as Source. Namaste.
I AM SOURCE
Gratitude to Alana Jordan with Pixabay.com for the above image.